My Bazaar Time in Delaware
the secret
“How was the festival?” “Oh, it was… a lot”
“How did it go?” “Unexpected.”
“Did you have fun?” “I am glad to be home!”
“Would you do it again?” “I missed my family too much.”
the Embarrassment
I am embarrassed to write this.
Coming home from a 9 day trip to the middle of Delaware with what felt like empty hands was embarrassing. Sure, I had made some money (not even half what I wanted, mind you), but I had dug myself such a hole emotionally and financially, that as of writing, I am still in debt from the business supplies, food, lodging and general costs I incurred from the festival three months ago.
But let’s go back...
the Suspicion
This whole story begins last year in 2021 when a vendor coordinator from a HUGE music festival in Delaware came up to my booth in Nashville. She told me all about how she thought my art would sell well at their vendor village and gave me her card. My immediate thought was of suspicion, but I did some research and found out she was legit.
I was still not convinced, though, so I reached out to several other past vendors from the festival to get their thoughts. One small business owner from California was super transparent and straight up told me about making 20-30g in the weekend of the festival.
I saw dollar-signs and was sold.
Little did I know, those dollar signs had blinded me from seeing what was in store for me and my own business.
The worry
I immediately began to worry: A million things, known and unknown, ran through my mind day and night.
I stayed worried for months and months.
When I finally arrived in Delaware with my employee, a friend of mine who I paid a daily rate plus food, we had driven for two days, had to set up our camp and now had to set up shop, sell hopefully 20-30 grand worth of art, pack everything up and head back home in nine days. This was the longest I had ever been away from my son and husband. Oh and, did I mention this was my first time camping as an adult?
Over the time we were there, it ended up raining half the time and at one point the entire festival of over 50,000 people had to be evacuated only to be told to come back in 2 hours later. It was a mess.
The Panic
The first day open, my expectations were extremely high. I was expecting to make at least 4-5g a day and I was nervous. I was financing this all on credit cards, but I told myself I was betting on my business. I was betting on how much I believed in myself, my journey, and my worth as a human being. No pressure.
When it was all said and done, the day barely hit a thousand or so and I could not sleep well at our wet ass campsite in the dirt next to the interstate a mile walk from the booth. I didn’t know if I was shaking from the sounds of the cars whizzing by, the cold from the 40 degree night with wind gusts at 20 mph, or from my panic seeping from my pores.
From that day until the last day, I would leave my booth and walk around the crowd having severe panic attacks, crying uncontrollably and muttering to myself about how much I had fucked up. It was all ,my fault. I was so stupid. Fuck.
In a crowd that big, and with so many people on mood-altering substances, no one noticed or cared. I felt alone among thousands.
Comparison is the thief of joy, and looking around me at the vendor bazaar, I saw other people’s successes and it magnified my own failure.
the Depression
When I arrived back in Nashville a ‘loser’ in my mind and heart, I felt like I had let down my family and community.
In a capitalist society where we are culturally conditioned to derive our sense of self worth from what we do in this world, making a mistake or miscalculation as big in my mind as this one, I felt shattered. I spiraled into a deep depression and dreaded people’s interest in how it went.
the Resolution
Today, I write this entry knowing I am not a failure, no matter what my darker self tells me.
I have been self-employed since May 19, 2021. I have paid my mortgage, my car payment and bought diapers with money I have made from selling my art- the art I used to just do on my nights off from waitressing.
I am not a failure, I choose to move on, grow, and learn. The small business owner from California I met through this experience is one of my number one inspirations. I am so grateful for the many connections and lessons I have learned from this bazaar experience.
I have also discovered I can have ‘and’ experiences in life: I can be upset about my own mistakes AND happy for other people’s success. I can be grateful to have been through this experience AND wish I had never done it. The world isn’t black and white.
It was a bazaar time in Delaware and most of all, I learned I am not built for the music festival vendor life and that is fine by me.
I want to be clear when I say I am grateful to everyone who helped me on my way to and from Delaware. I am by no means bashing anyone or blaming anyone for anything involving this festival. I am trying to be open and honest about my feelings and experience. Thank you.
